


Not the time for secrets and lies

by Dingobaby



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Castiel Loves Dean Winchester, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Dean's Top 13 Zepp Traxx Mixtape, Declarations Of Love, Pain, Season/Series 15 Speculation, Season/Series 15 Spoilers, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-01
Updated: 2020-09-01
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:40:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26236537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dingobaby/pseuds/Dingobaby
Summary: Castiel is forced to tell Dean about his deal with the Shadow from the Empty.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 10
Kudos: 70





	Not the time for secrets and lies

**Author's Note:**

> This hurt me so bad to write but I couldn't stop. I hurt right now. Those trailers for the last 7 episodes got me fucked up.

"What do you mean it said we don't need you?" 

Jack stood by his bed, bag slung over his shoulder, as he stared in confusion at Castiel. This was it. The final peice of the puzzle. Billie would be here any minute to collect him so they could retrieve the last of the supplies. Sam was on his way back from picking up Eileen. Dean would be back any minute with what he managed to get. Everything was set. They were going to kill God. It was the final chapter, and Castiel already knew his part of the story was coming to an end.

"Of course we need you, Castiel." Jack shook his head, pulling the strap of his bag tighter. "You're family."

"I figured it was only fair that I warn you." Castiel said, solemnly. "It's up to you, Jack. You have Sam and Dean. You have Death herself on your side. There is nothing more that I can do. My powers are failing. I can't…" he swallowed, squeezing his eyes shut as he choked back his tears of frustration before continuing. "I am too weak to even heal minor injuries without becoming exhausted. I can feel my strength draining away a little more each day now. My time has come."

"No." Jack argued. "That's not possible. You had a deal, Cas!"

"Jack…"

"I was there!" Jack said, taking a few steps closer. "It said it wouldn't take you until you allowed yourself to be happy! You said…"

"It said it wanted me to suffer." Castiel interrupted. He paused, looking his son in the eyes, taking in every detail, sure this would be the last time he got the chance to do so. His strength had all but left him. Each day he had grown more and more human. He had been hungry over the past week. He had grown tired. This morning, he had woken up in the library, feeling only a flicker of his Grace, which meant that at some point, he had fallen asleep. That's when he knew. This was the end. "Everything has been going so well. For once, the plan has been falling into place without fail. I was foolish to think that meant I would see how everything played out. I thought, perhaps, I would be able to see my family happy for once. I was wrong. And for my ignorance, I will suffer."

"Cas, no." Jack choked. "That's not right! We can talk to Sam and Dean. They can figure something out. This doesn't have to…"

"Jack." Billie's voice interrupted. They both turned to see her waiting in the doorway. "It's time."

"You can't do this to me, Castiel." Jack cried, ignoring her. "You can't leave us."

Cas pulled Jack into a hug, squeezing him with all he had. "I love you Jack." He released the boy from his arms, but kept his hands fully on Jack's shoulders, staring firmly into his eyes. "And I am so proud of you."

"Stop." Jack cried, his soft blue eyes already rimmed with red. "You can't…you can't leave me. Sam can figure something out…"

"We have to leave now, Jack." Billie urged. "We dont have much time."

"It's going to be okay, Jack." Cas said, pushing the boy towards the door. "Everything will be okay."

Jack struggled against him, tears flowing freely now in his panic. "What about Sam and Dean?! What am I supposed to tell them?!"

"Tell us about what?" Dean asked from behind Billie. He looked back and forth between the three of them, his face scrunching up in concern. "What's going on here?"

'Damnit.' Cas thought to himself.

"We have to go." Billie said, grabbing on to Jack's shoulder.

"No! No, no, no, no, please no!" Jack sobbed, trying desperately to hang on to the sleeves of Castiel's coat. "Dad!" He screamed just as Bille whisked them away.

Castiel closed his eyes, letting out a pained huff, feeling his heart break with Jack's final word hanging in the air. When he opened his eyes he was face to face with a very concerned hunter.

"What the hell is going on, Cas?!" Dean demanded.

"Dean…" Cas warned, trying to push past him into the hall.

"No." Dean said, pushing back. "We're not doing that. What did Jack mean. What aren't you telling us?"

"It's nothing." Cas replied, trying once more to squeeze past.

"Bull!" Dean pushed back again, putting them both further into the room. "The kid was in hysterics. Something is up Cas. What aren't you telling me?!" 

"Dean…" Castiel pleaded, staring into the hunter's eyes. When it was clear that Dean wasn't going to let it go, Castiel dropped his gaze to the floor. "I'm so sorry, Dean." He choked out.

"Hey." Dean said, grabbing his shoulder trying to get his attention, but Castiel refused to look back. "Hey, no. We're done with that crap, remember? We gotta be honest with each other. We gotta trust each other. Now's not the time to be havin' secrets. Especially not now. We're too close to the finish line. You gotta tell me what's wrong."

"I did what I had to." Cas said, still refusing to look at Dean. "We needed Jack. The world needed Jack. That's more evident now, than ever. I couldn't let it take him. I…I did what I had to do, Dean. I'm sorry I didn't tell you before."

"What did you do, Cas?" Dean demanded, shaking his shoulder. "Hey! Look at me! You're not making any sense! What did you do?!" 

Castiel ripped his shoulder from Dean's grip and lifted his face, trying his best to hold it together. "I made a deal."

Dean furrowed his brow, obvious rage and confusion boiling under the surface as he squared his shoulders. "What kind of deal?" He gritted through his teeth.

"Everything comes at a price, Dean. You, of all people, should know that. We were all foolish to think we could take Jack's soul back from heaven without consequence."

"But we did." Dean growled. "You got him back, and nothing happened. Not for a while, and not because we got him back. Right?!" Cas looked away again, squeezing his eys shut. "RIGHT?!"

"The Shadow, the entity that watches over the Empty, it was upset that Jack had awoken me, it was furious with me for keeping it awake." Castiel explained. "It had gotten to Heaven before me. It was ripping the place apart to find hom, to take him to the Empty. It wanted revenge. I couldn't let it take him, Dean. Not when we needed him here. It was me that it was angry with. Not him. So, I offered myself in his stead."

"YOU WHAT?!" Dean shouted.

Castiel tried his best not to flinch as he met the hunter's eyes once more. "I was fully prepared to go with it then. I was willing to sacrifice myself for the good of the world."

"Oh, yeah?" Dean huffed. "Then how come you're still here, huh?!"

"I won't be for long." Cas let out a mirthless chuckle. "I told you, it wanted revenge. Apparently, death was far too easy. It told me it wouldn't take me then. It said it wanted me to forget about it, forget about the deal, to know true happiness. Relief. Just so it could tear it away from me."

"Damnit, Cas!" Dean shook his head.

"I'm sorry, Dean."

"So, what, you thought now was gonna be the best time to tell Jack?" Dean asked. "You don't think the kid's got enough on his plate right now without having to worry about you, too? Killing God ain't enough for him? You had to add his father's impending doom to the mix?" He lost more and more control of his voice with each word. 

Castiel could tell Dean fighting a losing battle with his anger, but he was right. Now was not the time to be keeping secrets. "Jack knows about the deal. He was there when I made it." He told Dean.

"Jack kno…" Dean used his tounge to pull his bottom lip into his mouth and bit down hard as he took a sharp breath through his nose and looked up at the ceiling.

"I told him not to tell you or your brother." Castiel continued. "You were both going through enough and I didn't want to add anymore cause for concern." He watched as Dean began taking deep breaths. The hunter dropped his face from the ceiling, turning it to the floor as he squeezed his eyes shut and pressed his tongue against the inside of his cheek. "I realize that it was wrong of me to ask him to lie on my account. I do apologize for that but I did what was necessary to bring him back and I won't…"

Dean held up his hand, urging Castiel to quit speaking. "Okay." Dean said, his face still turned down. "It's…okay. I get it."

"You...?" Castiel tilted his head in confusion. That confusion quickly turned to pride as he realized that Dean had to be holding back his anger. The hunter was trying his damndest not to fly off the handle like he had so many times before. It was obvious that he was furious with Castiel, but he wasn't going to let his anger get the best of him again. "Dean…."

"Alright, so it's not okay." Dean said, finally turning his face back to Castiel to look him in the eye. "It was stupid. And reckless. And selfish. But I get it. You were in a bind and you did what you thought you had to. I mean, hey man, I've been there. We all have. I get it, okay. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't have come to us for help, Cas. I know you probably think it wasn't worth it, or that trying to fix it would've made it worse, but you're family, man. You can't just get away with leaving us without letting us at least try to get you out of it!"

Castiel shook his head. "It's not that simple…"

"And that still doesn't explain why Jack was so upset." Dean added. Cas let out a defeated sigh and stormed past Dean into the hall. Dean followed after determined to get an answer. "I'm not letting you get away with this, Cas" he called behind him. "There's something else you're not telling me." Dean grabbed him by the shoulder and whipped him around. "Wha…." Dean paused searching Castiel's eyes for a moment before realization struck. "Cas, no."

"I'm sorry." 

"No, man. No. You can't do this to us." Dean argued. "Not, now."

"I'm afraid there's nothing I can do." Cas replied.

"Can't you just, I don't know, make your self unhappy or something?!" Dean asked. "Like, think of dead puppies or whatever?"

Castiel gave a small, sad chuckle and shook his head. "I told you, it isn't that simple, Dean."

"Sure it is!" Dean offered. "Look at the world around us right now. There's plenty to get upset about."

"I think it stopped depending on my happiness a long time ago." Cas said. "I think it just wants me to suffer now."

"That wasn't the deal, though." Dean argued. "It can't just break a deal like that!"

Now wasn't the time for secrets. Castiel had to tell him everything. "When I went to the empty to talk to Ruby, the Shadow was there, waiting for me. It appeared to me as Meg." He spit out the last word like it had left a bad taste in his mouth. Of all the people it could have chose. Seeing it taint Meg's image was heartbreaking enough. But what it said…"It told me Billie had a way to put it back to sleep. It said Billie didn't need me for her plan."

"Bull crap!" Dean shouted. "Of course we need you Cas! You're family. You're our best friend. You're my best friend. I know things have been rocky in the past but that doesn't mean you're not needed!"

"Dean," Cas sighed "my powers are mostly gone. They've been draining for a while now. I told you that. I can't heal, I can barely fight. I've basically become human. You, and Sam, and Jack, you all have a part to play. I'm…I'm practically useless to you at this point. There's nothing I can do."

"So what if you're human, Cas!?" Dean shouted back gripping tight onto the angel's shoulder. "I could care less if you were a damn circus monkey! You're still you! Come on, man. We've been through so much shit together, we've fought so hard! You can't ask us to give up on you in the final stretch. You're not useless Cas! You're a Winchester! We need you "

"I'm afraid that's where you're wrong."

Dean peaked around Castiel's shoulder to see Billie standing at the end of the hall, scythe in hand.

"Billie?" Dean asked. "Did you know about this? You gotta do something! You cant just let that dick take Cas! You gotta…" Dean paused. Something was wrong. "Billie, where's Jack?"  
Castiel turned his head to look behind his shoulder and Dean felt him stiffen under his hand. Dean watched Castiel's face pale out of the corner of his eye and give him a barely noticeable shake of his head. Not Billie. The shadow. Dean wasted no time pulling Cas in behind him, putting himself between the two of them. "You're not taking him!"

"It's not your decision Dean." It smiled back at him with Billie's face, gripping tightly onto the scythe as it took a step forward. "Castiel and I have a deal. He got his reward. Now I'm here to…to reap mine." It smiled wider.

"Yeah fat chance, sister!" Dean scoffed, pushing them both further back into the hall. "You said you'd take him when he was happy. You don't get to break a deal just because you found a loophole to your little insomnia problem."

"An error, on my part." It said, advancing on them further. "Look at him. Such a pathetic creature could never be truly happy."

"You watch your damn mouth!" Dean gritted out, pushing them back further, still. "You don't get to talk about him that way. Cas may be a lot of things, but he sure as hell ain't pathetic!"

"Dean." Cas said pushing against Dean to make him stop. "You can't save me this time. My time is up. I've made my bed, and now…"

Dean turned to face Castiel, frustration and panic in his eyes. "You can't do this to me man! You can't leave me now! Not now!"

"Dean…"

"No, Cas! I can't lose you again!"

"Dean!"

"Screw your stupid deal, Cas!" Dean shouted back.

"No!" Cas screamed as he gathered the last of his grace. His hand shot out and reached above Dean's head, grabbing the blade of the scythe mid swing.

"Holy…" Dean squawked, just before the pole made contact with his right shoulder, sending him into the wall with a sickening crack on his left side. He was temporarily blinded by the pain, his eyes finally focusing on the scene before him. Blood was pouring out of Castiel's hand, his eyes flickering with light as he held tight onto the blade, the Shadow struggling to pull it loose on the other end. 

"Dean! Run!" Cas growled, his strength clearly failing. 

"Cas, no!" Dean screamed, struggling to his feet.

"I said," Cas grunted before his eyes glowed bright as he shoved the blade, swinging it hard into the Shadow's stomach, "RUN!" 

The shadow staggered back, pulling the blade out with black ooze seeping out of the wound, dripping down its hand, as Cas swooped Dean the rest of the way off the floor and hurried him down the hall. Dean nursed his left shoulder as the two of them staggered into the archive room, slamming the door shut behind them. Castiel locked it before turning on Dean, tears in his eyes.

"What the hell were thinking, Dean?!" He shouted, stepping into the hunter's space. 

"It was going to kill you, Cas!" Dean shouted back, feeling tears well up in his own eyes. "You can't expect me to just stand by and watch you die! Not again!"

Castiel stood silent for a second, letting his breath even out. "Dean. You're shouldering a great burden. The fate of the world rests in the hands of you and your brother. I am the least of your concerns."

"Screw that, Cas!" Dean snapped back. "You're just as much a part of this as we are.

"I'm not." Cas argued.

"Like hell, you're not! I'm not letting you go out like this man! You're not going down without a fight!"

"Dean…" Castiel's voice began to waiver as he struggled to choke back tears. "You have fought for this whole world. You don't need to fight for me too."

"Yes I do!" Dean yelled. "You've given up everything to fight for us! Why won't you let me do the same?!" Castiel stood silent, and swallowed hard, the sound of footsteps running down the halls lending an eerie ambiance the feeling of hopelessness falling upon the room. "You're bleeding." Dean said nodding toward Castiel's hand. "Aren't you going to patch that up." He could feel the wet streaks streaming down his face.

Castiel looked down at his hand and scoffed. "I'm afraid I can't. " he said, confirming what Dean already knew. He used the last of his grace to save him. One last time. "It would be rather pointless now anyway, don't you think?" 

"Why do you always have to do that, huh?" Dean sniffed. "Why do you always put yourself at risk for me? Why do you always have to be so damn stupid!" 

"I've told you why." Cas cried hopelessly taking a step forward. "You just refuse to hear it." 

"No." Dean said walking past him, to the door.

"I've told you so many times, in so many ways." Cas sobbed "You know why. You've always known."

"I said NO, Cas!" Dean said turning on him.

Now was not the time for secrets.

Even if they weren't really secrets to begin with.

"When we first met, you were so broken…" Castiel said stepping closer once more. A pounding on the door grabbed Dean's attention. He turned his head to look at the doorway, but Castiel needed him to look him in the eyes as he said this. One last time he needed Dean Winchester to listen to him. He grabbed onto the hunter's shoulder, gripping him tight in the same place he had held him, all those years ago, when he pulled his soul out of hell. Dean turned his head slowly back towards Castiel, tears rolling down his face. "You truly believed that you weren't worthy of being saved. I didn't understand it then. How someone with a soul as pure as yours could think so little of yourself. And then I grew to know you." Outside, The shadow had begun swinging at the door with the scythe, successfully managing to break it away peice by peice. "It wasn't just being saved you felt you were unworthy of. You felt that you were unworthy of anything good. Unworthy of love."

"Cas, please don't." Dean begged, chunks of wood hitting his back.

"Good things do happen, Dean. And you deserve every last one of them. You deserve love and you have most certainly earned mine."

"Don't." Dean begged again, closing his eyes.

"I love you Dean Winchester. I always have. And I'm sorry" Cas said quietly as the remaining shards of wood burst into the room, the Shadow storming in after. "Goodbye, Dean"

And then the weight of Cas's hand was gone.

The bunker had gone silent. 

"Cas?" Dean asked weakly, afraid to open his eyes. He staggered back until he felt his back hit brick and let his eyes slide open. Nothing. It was empty.Just broken wood and black goo where Castiel used to be. He let his head fall to the side, finding a bloody handprint where the mark of Castiel's claim on him was once burned into his flesh. 

The mark of Castiel's death, staining the same place that once held the mark of Dean's new life. 

He slid down the wall staring at the blood. When he couldn't look at the handprint any longer without wanting to throw up, he let the back of his head fall against the brick before burying his face in his hands to cry.

That's how Sam and Eileen found him and hour later, when they returned to the bunker. It's how Jack and Billie found him fifteen minutes after that, when Sam had been desperately trying to get him to tell them what was wrong. He wanted to tell them. He wanted to tell them just what Cas had done for them, the price that he payed. He wanted to tell Sam everything, come clean about every lie, apologize for every sneaky terrible thing he had done behind his brother's back. He wanted to let Sam know that he was loved. That he deserved the world. He wanted to tell Sam that even when all this was over, even when they were free, that he would never stop fighting for him, not until his dying day. Because that's what family does for each other. Families loved each other and th6at what love is. He wanted to tell him just how much Cas loved them. How much Castiel, Angel of the Lord, had loved Dean. 

He wanted to.

But he couldn't find it in himself to speak.

That's how he sat, as Jack explained to them the Deal that was made, as Jack sobbed his apology for the life of their friend. That's how he sat as Jack curled against his shoulder and cried, while Billie claimed she had no idea that the Shdow planned to take Castiel's life before he was happy, breaking their deal. How he sat while Eileen comforted Sam as he sobbed silently into Eileen's shoulder, while they all had a moment of silence for their fallen family member. He sat there, just like that, while everyone had a drink, apologizing to eachother, to Dean. Long after everyone had gone to bed, to prepare for the day ahead.

Finally, when he had found it in himself to move, he wiped his face across his sleeve and stood. He walked down the hall, towards the bedrooms, stopping infront of Cas's door. There, on the angel's, obnoxiously organized, desk, sat a cassette tape, with DEANS 13 TOP ZEPP TRAXX written across the label. He walked over to the desk and picked up the tape, twirling it between his hands for a moment, before closing his eyes and tilting his head towards the sky.

"Me too, Cas."

Hey prayed, quietly.

"Me too."

There was no more time for secrets.


End file.
